YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.