I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."