We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.