there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.