i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
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I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.