I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.