i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you