Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated