My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.