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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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