I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE