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Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
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