You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
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She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
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I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless