We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey