Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat