I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
20+ Wholesome Memes You Need In Your Life Right Now
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.