Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness