Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real