I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out