Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.