I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.