Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.