Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight