You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"