I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.