I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number