you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
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Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
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He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she told me i tasted like america
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.