that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
