if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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