kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
