I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
