I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
