I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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