I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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