I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I want to fling myself into the sun
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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