I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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