dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
