i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
