so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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