My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
