Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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