well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
