put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
