a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
