Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
