Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
