Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
