So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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