whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
