there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
