sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
