Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
