I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
