that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
