i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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