how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
